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How "Red Riding Hood" Should Have Started:

01 April 201104:16PMfiction

Scene opens.

A full moon. Camera pans down to a top-down shot of a girl walking through the woods. We see she is wearing a red cloak and carrying a basket. A wolf howls. Tremolo strings begin, and a close up of the girl's face shows her looking around nervously. She begins to walk faster, then to run, looking behind her as if pursued. She emerges into a clearing, and as the camera pans around her, we see wolves begin to emerge from the trees. From above we see the wolves circle and begin to draw in on the girl as the strings reach fever pitch...

Then, a on a smash cut, the strings switch to a heavy metal power chord, and the girl pulls two ludicrously large semiautomatic pistols from under her cloak in glorious slow motion. She whips around and, arms outstreched, begins firing in two directions simultaneously. The wolves leap, but are blasted before they reach her. They keep coming, and the camera pans around the girl as the guns light up the snowy clearing and wolves fall left and right. After a moment, silence falls. The girl calmly returns the pistols to her cloak and goes to pick up the basket. As she leans over to pick it up, we see one final wolf, which is obviously the pack leader, over her shoulder, and as she begins to straighten up, it jumps at her throat. Her head snaps around and looks straight at the camera as it zooms at her, and then, in yet another bout of truly ridiculous slow motion, she spin-kicks the wolf straight in the muzzle, and it falls to the ground whimpering.

We see her place something in the wolf's mouth before she walks away trailing a strand of red wool. The camera begins a slow zoom along this thread, heading back until we see that there is, in fact, a grenade in the wolf's mouth. Total silence falls. The zoom continues straight into the wolf's eyes, and we see them widen in terror as we hear a clink of the pin coming out. The camera zooms and pans to reveal the wolf pack behind a sign which says, "CAUTION: MINEFIELD"

Cut back to the girl. As she walks away, she is silhouetted as the entire forest is consumed by a titanic explosion. The metal chords start again, as the camera pans slowly back up to the moon, now wreathed in smoke glowing orange from the inferno below. As the pan continues, the title fades in...

Drum crash. Cut to black.
< I have an overdeveloped panic reflex. Will someone please tell me why this is supposed to be funny? >