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Grave News.

16 January 201112:54PMlife

Greetings, my loyal subjects. I come before you bearing the gravest of news.

In my travels, I appear to have contracted a most fearful disease, with the result that my birthday celebrations this year must regrettably be cancelled.

pauses for boos to die down.

I know this comes as terrible news for those of you who wished to comemorate this most joyous and momentous occasion, however, my affliction is most dire. My physicians inform me that even as I speak (er, type) my liver is exploding and I am going yellow and crinkly around the edges. (srsly. Acute Hepatitis A. Not fun.) Additionally, it has been made known to of that this affliction is expected to endure for a further six(!?) weeks, thus precluding me from any other of your so-called "Super Holiday Funtimes", up to and including greasy foods and alcoholic beverages (just in time for me to enjoy them, natch.) due to the now-exploding state of my liver.

I would ask that in these difficult times, you bear in mind my incapacitated digestive tract and refrain from inviting of to any events. WAIT WAIT. Don't do that. Invite of anyway. The humourous banter surrounding your escapades would be a great help in alleviating my boredom, which as you can tell by the length of this message (typed out on a phone keypad, on less) is already considerable.

Before I take your leave, I have 3 (only 3? :P ) further facts to point out: 1. On the internet, nobody gives a crap about your liver. By which I mean, "I can totallly still play medic, and do so with an ironic twist too." So there's that. 2. I require a minute's silence, followed by the respectful consumption and/or burning of cake, on the 21st, to memorialise the birthday which never was. 3. If I play my cards right, I can be that kid at Uni who had some horrible but totally not contagious any more mystery disease and missed all his holidays (ie, the truth) and thus enhance my mystique and be all mysterious and cool. And everyone will come up and talk to me to try to figure it out. Which = conversation which = yay new friends! So I guess thats a plus?

Fare thee well, and enjoy your holidays! I know I'm really going to look forward to 6 weeks of daytime TV! Lol jks, thats why we have the internet!

-- Rockwell

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