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Stuff Indie Kids Like.

25 July 201010:01AMrants

Yes, that's right. It's a rant in the vein of Stuff White People Like about indie kids. I find the 'indie culture' intriguing, actually, partly because of it's inherent contradictions, and partly because I really don't understand why anyone would want to wear second-hand clothes for fun, but mostly because of its obsession, like a mewling kitten, of insisting how it's not only so different (in an ironic sort of way), but also how it's so individualistic (in an ironic sort of way) and so much better than everything else (in an ironic sort of way), while at the same time being instantly recognisable and possessing of almost as many genuine traits as it has ironic ones, and so obsessed with self- identification that it may well be the only subculture to name and define itself. Wait, hold on. That's one of those inherent contradictions I mentioned earlier. So really, it's just the contradictions. They're hilarious, actually.

Okay, so this next bit (and maybe that last bit too) is possibly a little bit offensive for those of you who self-identify as pretentious asshats, but rest assured it's not aimed at anyone in particular (except where it clearly is) and is really just good-natured ribbing (except where there's clearly genuine venom)

(srsly tho gais, i ily u's all.)

Anyway: Stuff Indie Kids Like:

Chai Lattes and Bubble Tea. Nothing says "I reject 'mainstream' culture for no appreciable reason" like strange beverages, preferably stewed beyond recognition from some obscure form of plant. And then laced with so much sugar and milk it's indistinguishable from anything even vaguely plant based. And then, in the case of bubble tea, served cold, and with bits in. Does this improve the flavour? Hardly. Can you even tell what plant it came from? Nope. Does it make it slightly disconcerting to drink through a straw in case you accidentally choke on a piece of tapioca or weird fruit gel stuff? Absolutely. Is it riduculously overpriced compared to an instant coffee with the same amount of caffiene, sugar, and milk (and therefore the exact same flavour, since the sugar and milk is all you can taste anyway.)? Definitely. But does it provide a slightly seedy low budget back-of-an-alley "experience" where you can hang out with all your equally indie friends on decaying lounge suites pilfered from verge collections? Of course! And that's the important bit, right?

Cheap Plastic Sunglasses. Gaudy colours obligatory. Of course, they wouldn't be polarised, and spend most of their time on top of your head anyway, so they definitely aren't to protect your eyes. Except when you're indoors, where you for some reason feel the need to 'accidentally' break social convention and wear them inside in order to demonstrate just how risque and unconventional you are. Bonus points for wearing them in situations where it actually diminishes the experience, like in a movie theatre - not like the movie matters, you've only paid the 14 bucks to get in ironically so you can appreciate the irony of not actually watching the movie when mainstream culture so clearly expects you to. Oh wow, I think I'm about to pass out from the amount of rebellion being expressed here!

Totally impractical bikes. I like bikes, don't get me wrong. They're cheaper than cars, and quieter, and they are pretty much the most energy efficient way to get around. This is no reason to make the experience as difficult as possible. Modern bikes are the way they are for a reason, and here's a clue, it's not to prevent you from expressing yourself, it's because that is the best way to make a bike. Gears, cuved hadlebars, suspension, comfortable seats and clip on pedals are there because they make cycling easier, and more efficient, and knowing the nature of corporations, very likely cheaper too. Which means that your gearless pink wonder with a two-metre high seat and millimetre wide bald tires isn't an expression of your 'individuality', it's an expression of your own self-defeating stupidity. Unless the bike, like your sofa, came from a verge collection, in which case it's a sign of the self-contradictions inherent within this subculture where you can spend eight dollars on a drink and still be too much of a cheapskate to buy a decent bike, and don't even get me started on Op-shops. Either way, you're a bit stupid.

Music festivals. Okay, yeah this is something indie kids like, but I'm also pretty sure it's something everyone likes. And really, the music is the core of the subculture- in fact, it's where it came from, the independent music genre (just like goths, or punks... or emos, ooh, I struck a nerve there, didn't I? And you so desparately wanted to think you were different! But no.) And for the most part, it's pretty good stuff. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure some of it is just an attempt at being whiny and pretentious in verse, accompanied by an accoustic guitar and a flavour-of-the-week obscure instrument, rather than in coffee shops accompanied by your indie posse and this week's obscure beverage of choice. Bleh. There's a reason those types of bands are independant - because no sane recording studio would go anywhere near them. You know, because they suck. (Also, FYI, having a Myspace page and a pretentious name which your friends can name-drop as the latest 'undiscovered talent' does not a band make. Because bands sorta have to make music before they can be bands. Just saying.

I think I just about covered anything, so now I'll proceed to cover my ass with some standard Shakespearian disclaimer (because quoting Shakespeare isn't pretentious at all.):

If we shadows have offended, think but this; and all is mended
that you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear and this weak and idle theme no more yielding but a dream. Gentles--do not reprehend if you pardon, we will mend.

Thank you, and good night.

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