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I'm Sick of sucking.

09 July 200908:29PMlifeintrospection

So, here I am, sitting in a borrowed room on a borrowed computer on an island thousands of kilometres away from home and I've decided that I'm absolutely sick of sucking. I'm sick of putting in a half-arsed effort and getting a half-arsed result and being okay with that. I'm sick of passing up opportunities for no other reason than that its easier to sit at home behind a PC. I'm sick of all this crap which seems to have built up around the things I do which means its impossible for me to do anything except stay in my safe little rut.

This seems to have permeated everything I do... I put minimal effort into my hobbies- my archery, my piano, hell, even my schoolwork which I am, according to some, too focussed on and being worked too hard... I could still try harder. A lot of the time I miss out on doing things just 'cause I can't be arsed putting the effort in.

I just don't know- why now? It probably has something to do with being on Reunion, the fact that I'm here, outside of pretty much everything I know. Here with a mission to learn French and have a great time, and the realisation that what I get out of each day is what I make it, my choices, my decisions are what will shape this experience for me. Not my parents' wishes, not my friends' whims, just me and what I decide to do will make this the best it can be. So, do I talk to that stranger, try that weird new food, ask my exchange partner about something I've just seen? Or do I sit quietly and keep to myself just because it's easier? Only one of those will make this incredible opportunity into something I'll have to look back on for the rest of my life, only one will lead to weird and wonderful experiences and new friends and even more incredible things to come.

I'm wondering if it will last. I hope it will. I fear it won't (which is partly why I'm writing this, to capture this feeling somehow and maybe remind myself later on when I'm back in my ordinary life with regular things around me and normal people around.) Will I still be thinking this? It won't be easy, hell, it isn't easy here, but I have this sinking feeling that if I don't stop putting these pathetic efforts into things that my life will end up just as pathetic. And that's something I really don't want at all. I need to try new things. I need to meet new people and go new places and see new sights. And then there's the other side of the coin- I need to put an effort in, throw it all in to everything I do, to make sure I get the most out of every moment and be the very best I can. Not to just be happy with what I can get for a minimal effort just because that's what's easy.

The other reason to publish this... I gotta commit to it, or it'll end up being like everything else. So this goes on my blog, on Facebook, for everyone to see, so that maybe I feel some kind of responsibility to do what I've said. To stop sucking and try.

...

So, here I am, thinking this, and Logic chimes in, with, "But if you aren't going to be the greatest ever at something, why even try?". This stops me for about half a second. Then I come back with, "If you aren't going to put any effort into anything, why even do it at all?".

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